Sunday, January 31, 2010


I'm a happy little camper; a happy camper yes I am.

(think melody to Yankee Doodle when reading that - I'm singing it in my head)

Yeah yeah, I'm feeling silly today but savings oodles of money can do that to a stingy Deej.

The wedding is in three weeks. I have been putting off finding a dress to wear to the big event. I just haven't been anticipating the thought of digging through atrociously decorated with faux pearls and gawdy sequins type dressed. I hate that shit. I hate those "mother of the bride" type dresses.

Yesterday Babycub and I went shopping for all kids of gizmos and doo-dads. She suggested I find a dress and I shuddered. I opted to use the age old excuse many women use when confronted with this particular horror "Uh, I need to shave my legs".


After all, who wants to try on dresses with less than smooth gams? Not, I - that's for sure!

With that out of the way, we continued having a marvelous day poking through one store after another. Then it happened. Some odd force drew me into a cute little boutique that I've never ventured into before. I found myself being pulled toward a rack of clothes and right toward this luverly printed jackety thing.

I pulled it out and asked Babycub what she thought. We both loved it. Then my face fell. My jackety thing with the fitted tank under it came with pants NOT a skirt. I sighed mightily and Babycub suggested I call the bride - my oldest daughter. If she could live with her "mother of the bride" in pants, I most certainly would be happy to prance down the aisle in this outfit of outfits. It was perfection on a hanger!

She didn't care. She knows I'm never going to be the 50s Throwback Family that she's marrying into. I am me. My family is unique, and I love it. We don't fit molds.

With glee, I scampered to the dressing room to try on my treasure. It fit like it was made for me. I flounced and preened in front of mirrors, Babycub, and the sales clerks. It was "me". I was thrilled.

I didn't look at the price.

I knew I'd be spending a few bucks to find the perfect ensemble for this wedding. I just figured this would be pricey and that was that.

There it was - the tag.

But wait!

It was marked down.

The mark down was crossed off and marked down again.


The marked down mark down was also crossed off and marked down again.

But wait even again!

The dress was on clearance.

After all the markdowns, they were still discounting it by 75% of the last markdown.

To sum it all up - my perfect perfect luverly delightfully make me smile and feel purdy outfit cost me ....



Yes, that's FOURTEEN dollars.

The gods of shopping were smiling on me yesterday!


Saturday, January 30, 2010

Boobie Fairy

And suddenly there are boobies.

Yes, the boobie fairy has sprinkled some kind of mammary dust on my wee little girl.

My little babycub has a chest and I'm not quite ready to see her this way! Last weekend she tossed on some sweater, walked out into the living room and said "omg, mom, my boobs look like the size of Texas in this!!!"

I had to laugh and promptly texted her older sister about this so we could harass the poor little Texan in tandem. After all, if your family doesn't give you endless amounts of shit, what good are they?

We spent the day calling her Tex while she rolled her eyes at us in utter dismay.

When her bod first began to develop she was extremely self-conscious about the whole puberty/mother nature/hormone thing. She's accepted the inevitable - she will get boobs, pimples, periods, body hair, and all that jazz.

My house has changed. The hub and I have adjusted to the Mancub having a deeper voice, a hint of whiskers, and littlemanuppityness. Now we are moving into the moody hormonal aspect of a teen girl. Both of them at once? Really?????

Years ago when these two were little someone repairman was at our house and seemed rather puzzled to see the gap in the ages of our kids. The hub looked at him and said "Yeah, they are all ours. God is punishing us for something to land us with two year olds in teenagers all at the same time."

Some days I long for those old days, but time marches on and I wouldn't change a thing about my cubs. Okay, well, maybe she could be a wee bit less chesty - she's being ogled by teen boys and she's only thirteen!


Thursday, January 28, 2010


It still doesn't seem quite real to me that Led isn't going to be there for me the way he was for so very long.

For the first few days I cried every time I thought of him, but for the past two days I haven't cried. I'm doing okay.

All kinds of odd things have gone through my mind.

I think we all have similar thoughts when we lose someone we love. We fret over things left unsaid. We moan over things we wish we hadn't said or done. Shit, the last word I actually texted to him was "die". Go figure! Granted, I wasn't telling him to die; I simply texted "crap, my battery is about to die" - even so, the irony of it all didn't escape me.

I've been angry with him. He promised he'd always be there. He isn't. I know this because I call his cell each day just to hear his voice. Perhaps the finality of it all will sink in when the phone is disconnected and I get a recording saying the number is no more. Until then, I shall call just to have that bit of connection.

I've come to realize that I'm being incredibly selfish. I'm thinking of his death in terms of "what will I do without him in my life?" Sheesh, I have made this all about me. The reality of the situation is that I should be sad for him and not for me. I think grief tends to be that way for most people though. We are sad for ourselves because losing that someone takes them away from us. It's the survivors that are feeling lonely - it's not the one that's gone.

Even though I hadn't talked to him right before he died, he knew I loved him. I know he did. I believe that deep in my heart.

I also believe he didn't know or sense how close he was to dying. I've heard over and over from people how their loved one just "knew". I really think he just went to sleep that night and didn't wake up in the morning. I don't think he felt shitty and suspected that was his last night or that the end was nearing. I believe he'd have called me to say good-bye if that were the case. He wouldn't have just bailed from this planet on me.

I do believe his spirit, his presence, or whatever is here and always will be around me. He may not physically be here to kick my ass when I act like an idiot, but the essence of him is here. I can hear his voice in my head giving me encouragement.

I'm still finding the hardest part is that I can't just pick up the phone any time I want to talk to him. I think that will bother me for a very long time.

In the meantime, I am finding myself smiling when those memories of him hit me by surprise. It's okay. I miss him, but I will be okay. The world will keep spinning and as long as he's in my heart, he's going to be spinning on it with me.


Saturday, January 23, 2010

My Led

Nobody will understand this entry better than most of you. In our own odd little ways we have forged friendships and much more through this medium that non-blogger type people do not and will not understand. I know many of us have already mentioned this like this.

So, here I am.

Sad beyond belief…

I can’t sleep because I just want to cry…

It’s the middle of the night and the one person that wouldn’t get cranky by a middle of the night phone call from me for no particular reason isn’t going to answer. Sure, there are others I could call, but some would be a mite irritated about the time, others wouldn’t get what I’m feeling. This one person wouldn’t question. He’d just listen to me cry and let me get it all out. After that, he’d find something to say to make me laugh.

I cannot call him tonight or any other night…

He’s why I’m so sad…

A couple of you might remember him. He really didn’t blog at efx2 very often and he never wrote anything here; he signed up there to write a few entries here and there because I nagged him to do it.

He registered here and efx2 as leduntitled. I just called him "Led".

I had this phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. I didn’t answer the phone. Instead I listened to the voice message from a person I didn’t know. It simply said “I’m L…, a friend of Ed’s. Could you please call me?”

I knew.

I didn’t want to make that call, but I had to.

He died last weekend.

His friends hunted and searched for my phone number because they knew how close he and I were. They knew I needed to know. They invited me to come and stay with them so I could attend his memorial service. They seem wonderful. I’m glad he had them in his life.

Sadly, I knew this call would come. I just hoped it wouldn’t be so soon.

He’s had health problems for the past few years. I’ve known that, but he didn’t complain and tended to try to shove the seriousness of his illness in the background. He always told me he didn’t want me to worry.

Our friendship has spanned years and years. Once upon a time, I wandered into some silly chatroom and met this guy. He was sarcastic, odd, funny, intelligent, sweet, and silly. We hit it off immediately and began to spend hours and hours talking.

No matter what happened in his life or mine, we stayed friends. There were some ups and downs, just like in any friendship. There were times that I wanted to smack him silly, and I’m sure there were times he felt the same way about me.

He was a computer savy tech geek who rolled his eyes when I admitted I didn’t know how to copy and paste. He patiently taught me how to navigate the net and do all kinds of funky things with a computer.

He forgave me when I wasn’t a very good friend to him. He’d tell me if I was being an idiot, but never did he stop being there for me.

Before there were inexpensive cell phones everywhere (yes, we have been friends long), he got an 800 number in case I wanted to call him – any time, anywhere.

When things were crappy in my life, he listened and cared.

When shit hit the fan in his life, I listened and cared.

I was married with kids; he’d never married and had no children. Even so, he seemed to love when I babbled on about the goofy things my kids did. He asked about them all the time. When he was in a relationship, he’d use me as a soundingboard when his g/f was driving him nuts.

He was just always there.

Several years ago, everyone in my immediate family forgot my birthday. He didn’t. He put together a silly birthday website to make me laugh. He was so angry that I’d been forgotten here that he made a point of always making sure that never happened again. My birthday is Monday. It will be the first time in thirteen years that I won’t hear from him.

I hated knowing he was so sick. I hated even thinking about the possibility that he wouldn’t be there some day. I tend to shove bad things into the background. I tend to try to avoid the ugly parts of the world. I ignored that I might lose him.

In doing so, I haven’t been the best friend to him lately.

I wasn’t blogging here, you know that – I also wasn’t being very good about talking to him as much as we did in the past. I haven’t had any contact with him in over a week.

I keep going back to last year when he was really feeling sick. I demanded he go to the hospital and threatened to call his mom, his friends, etc. if he didn’t go. He went and his doc told him he’d have died if he didn’t get in when he did. Now, I am thinking that maybe if I’d talked to him last week, I would have realized he needed to see a doc again; he was terrible about doing things like that.

In any case, there is a hole in my world right now and I just needed to talk it out. Like I said, you peeps – you people understand how much we can learn to care for someone online. Truly, none of my friends that don’t go online would understand how I’m feeling – they would think I’m nuts.

Bear with me for a bit. I have a feeling I may be writing about this again one of these days.