Saturday, May 15, 2010


As the days, the months go by it still doesn't seem quite real that Led is actually gone. Every once in a while something hits me and I realize that I'll never hear his voice again and I am sad - so incredibly sad. One of his best friends, Leah, has been there for me. We text and sometimes have called each other.

Led left us in a very weird spot. When I first found out I was stunned. I guess the best thing to do is to go back to the beginning - the beginning of the end.

When Leah called me to tell me Led died, there was a particularly difficult spot in an already weird conversation. She paused and asked if I had a daughter named D..... I said yes. At that point she hesitated again before asking me if Led was the father.


A while back Led told me his friends thought he was the dad and we laughed about it. He told me he talked about her around them and they jumped to that crazy conclusion. It was like him to be secretive and let them guess. I could just imagine him inwardly chuckling at their false assumption.

I told Leah that Led was not the dad and that Led mentioned they thought he was. Thank goodness she got ahold of me when she did; she and his friends were about to tell his mother that she had an unknown granddaughter.

Can you imagine?!?

A while later Leah and I were talking again and it all came out. She told me that it wasn't an assumption - my Led actually came out and told them he was my youngest child's father.


He told them I'd once lived there with him and we split after I got pregnant. He told them it was all his fault. He told them he'd paid child support for years. He told them he helped me buy my current home. He told me he loved me, but we just couldn't be together.


He didn't tell them I was married. He didn't tell them I had other children. He didn't tell him that my daughter was actually conceived when he lived in an entirely different state and before I actually knew him.

There is more, but you get the picture.

I was shocked.

I talked to him. Sure he couldn't respond, but I talked and talked and talked. I asked him what he could possibly have been thinking.

I've not always been truthful about myself online. I think I 'fessed up to you guys about my intitial ventures into chatrooms and the lies I told. I'm not proud of them. I told giant fibs to people I didn't know.

He told huge whoppers to the people in his life. He fibbed to the people that were his support system, that cared about him, that he sat across the table with during holidays.

Somehow it all seemed different to me.

Maybe it's not.

I know that I was lonely when I did the things I did. I was seeking acceptance and I thought that by being something I was not, I'd get that. I had no right to do and say the things I did. I hurt feelings and I hurt myself in the long run. I wasn't in a place in my life where I was happy with how things were going. That doesn't excuse my behavior, but it's the only explanation I have.

With Led, I think he was incredibly lonely.

I think he'd seen his friends moving on - one by one. I think he saw them getting married, having families, growing up, and having the things that I know he wanted so very much. I think he wanted them to believe that he had them - in an odd and twisted way. I think he wanted them to think there was someone out there for him.

Sadly, when he was at his most lonely - those last months of his life - I was too busy for him. I'd stepped away and expected him to be able to fly solo. I know I was his support system. I know I was the one he'd always talked to when the world kicked him in the balls. I deserted him because he was clinging too much and expecting too much. He wanted things I couldn't give him. I could offer friendship - nothing else.

At the same time someone else that was very special to me had to back away. Their own life took some unexpected turns and they needed to deal with that. Their life was most assuredly too busy for me and, like Led, I had to stand on my own two feet without the emotional support I was used to.

In the long run, I think it was a good thing. I will always care about the special person that drifted from my life. Hell, my heart will always hold a place for just that person - nobody else can fill that spot. Even though we are still friends, it's not the same. My calls and texts to this person are not always answered and I know I'm not as important to them as I once was. It's okay - I understand - I truly do.

My point - I don't know that Led was able to do what we did. He didn't find it as easy to go it alone and the stories he wove increased during the last months of his life. He floundered. He was alone and he was lonely.

I am not angry for the stories he told.

I am sad for him.

I'm sad that he was so very lonely and that he died alone.

I'm sad that he's not there anymore and that I cannot tell him that I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sad that he didn't know how much he meant to me.

I'm sorry for myself as well. Two people incredibly dear to me in different ways are lost to me. I think of them both daily. Even still in those odd little moments when something funky happens I want to just pick up my phone and call one or both of them. Yet, I cannot.

I guess tonight I am feeling introspective and just needed to ramble.

I'm okay; truly I am. I'm not looking for anyone to feel badly for me. I'm in a good place in my life. I am happy. Things are good.

Sometimes, I just want to move the clock back and have one more day.