A Catharsis, I Guess

It wasn't that long ago when I wasn't even online. I never thought I'd be able to take that much time away from the world of the internet, but I did. The longer I was away, the less I missed it. Even so, I found myself thinking things like "I should blog about that" when things happened in my world.

When I took the plunge and set up my online account again, I slowly got back into the swing of things. Here I am - a happy little blogger once again. I enjoy sharing the lives of the people I read. I love reading various opinions on political issues, or reading about the good things that happen to all of you. I sympathize and worry when things aren't going to well for those I care about. Basically, I simply love the whole community aspect of blogging.

That said, I've found myself falling into the habit of spending too much time online lately. I'm not walking away or giving up blogging. I'm just becoming too much of a "net-junkie" and it has to stop. My house is getting messy, my gardens will soon need my attention, I have correcting to do - there are things I am neglecting because I've been finding myself online way too much again.

When I first went online years ago I became an utter junkie. I jumped into the world of online chat and couldn't tear myself away. I was paranoid about all the horror stories people told about crazed computer stalkers and such so I created a fake me. I let it get too far. Originally, the "character" of myself that I created was just to give me a way to hang out and chat, but it became too big. I started to really like and care about the people I chatted with, but had dug myself a hole that I couldn't get out of. Eventually it all caught up with me.

I don't do that now - that was years ago - what you see is who I am. I really am the dull old Deej that you see here. I like being myself much better. It's easier - I don't have to keep stories straight or anything like that. I am ashamed of what I did, but I guess 'fessing up and acknowledging it helps me to forgive myself.

I didn't like myself then. Not only was I lying, I was short-changing my family. My time online became something I obsessed over. I spent way too much time in chatrooms and not enough time with my older kids. I will never completely forgive myself for taking that time away from them. They don't mention it or complain about it, but I know it's there - that ugly part of my life that I wish I could change. I cannot.

Here I am me. My kids are a part of who I am when I blog. Often times I read them the entries I make about them. They giggle and laugh and ask what kinds of comments I get in response. My world of blogging is so very different from what my world of chatting was. I'm glad. I'm glad you're here for me to read and I'm glad you're here when I need a word of encouragement or a smile. I'm glad I can be myself when I write things here.

For that reason, I'm cutting back now on my online time. I'll still be here almost daily to check up on everyone. I'll still write my dorky little entries about things in my world. I just have to kick myself in the ass and stop opening up my laptop every time I walk by it. I'm slowly falling back into that habit and I am not going to let myself short-change my younger kids.

Wowserooni! I never expected this entry to take the turn it has. I truly was going to start out by just saying I wasn't going to be as prompt with replies. Argh! I am absolutely too long winded sometimes! Sorry peeps!

Peace